A neighbor told me:

A neighbor told me:
I had to go and milk products some to buy, and Nastenka, 2 months old, had come to check on duty doctor... the time was coming for dinner, and the doctor was late, so I decided to leave her husband with a child, and she ran for... daddy was fearful, everyone was afraid of her to take - it will break her something...
the doctor came, unwrapped, examined, prescribed vitamins and said goodbye... walked out of the apartment, her husband accompanied her to the Elevator.
when the Elevator fell from the 8th floor to the 1st, opened the door, the doctor saw a very out of breath dad:
- now go upstairs and wrap up!

Asked - play with your child....

Asked - play with your child, I quietly soup cook had closed the kitchen. After a while I hear “First-first, I second. The changing of the guard!” And so indefinitely, alternating with the stamped steps. Then a nagging voice: “PAA-AA, I ustaal, Moneo I osiguwa”. Look out - my husband is sleeping happily on the couch, Valentin (3 years) in full regalia (Cape, helmet, gun, sword) marching from one end of the sofa to the other, reports myself. Ask - what are you doing? Responsible - dad and the KING of the SOFA to play!

My daughter Lena (6 years old) about dandruff

My daughter Lena (6 years old) about dandruff: "I is seen from dandruff. The head cracks, one in the brain and dries up..."

Mom, what's a cattle?

Read three-year girl a tale in which appears the word cattle. My daughter asks:
- Mom, what's a cattle?
I:
- Well, all sorts of animals: horses, cows, sheep... etc. To all of them not to list, they are called the word cattle, or beast. Understand?
Daughter:
Yeah! And yet they call.... there...... fool, fool and so on! On a story I read could not!

As Monday?

Told my friend.
They go with my son 5 years old. And her son all the way:
- Mom buy me the machine.
- No, no money!
- Mom well, buy me a car.
- No, no money!
- Well, then buy me at least chewing gum, so I shut up.
:-)

Eat your Whiskas themselves

It happened in the morning city car, Packed with people hurrying to work. A young man with a young daughter, obviously, was accompanied to kindergarten, rode together on the double seat. Because it was winter, the glass was covered in beautiful snow with black ice in the form of picturesque patterns. And now, young modern dad made a remark to my daughter about what she's trying glove to scrape the frost from the glass, obviously with the aim to look in the opposite direction. Then, after a short period of time, remark the daughter was repeatedly spoken even louder. Then another and another, but the little girl, as if trying not to react to them and continued to scrape the frost. As a result, young dad broke down and made the remark:
- What a stubborn daughter, why don't you listen to daddy and spoil a beautiful knitted mitten?
And in response I heard from her daughter the following:
- Yeah, and you? You mother many times told me not to "pee" on the toilet dushku, but you also don't listen and continue to "pee"!!!
As a result of inadequate reactions in the form of loud laughter all around, flushed a young dad with a smiling daughter was forced to retire from the transport before reaching their stop....

Oops!

When my son was 2.5 years, he had a funny response to odors: he rubbed under his nose, wrinkled his nose and if the smell he liked, and said, "smells Good!", but if the smell he didn't like: "Bad smell!" Ask: "Where?" "Here!" showing under his breath. The whole thing was especially touched by grandparents. Once we go in the car, grandpa driving. The grandmother, knowing that the way lies past the sewage treatment plants, where still the smell, in anticipation of the reaction the granddaughter of that scent, said to him:
- Now it will smell bad!
And here, drive up, stink God forbid. The child is vigorously rubbed it under his nose and yell:
- Smells bad! Grandpa, stop the car!
Grandfather could not understand:
- Why?!
Grandson:
Let grandma come!!!
Curtain...

From grandparents we got today indifferent shadow of fatigue

It happened 7 years ago, I wore the youngest daughter.He began to tell acne (3years) that I have in the tummy of his sister, and asked if he loves her. He said he loves. Then came the same question to me, I said, of course love. Paced the room a few minutes, he came and was followed by the question:
- "So why did you eat her?"

Can't be!

Recently I witnessed the following "scenes" from the series "Cases on passenger transport".
It was winter, I have once again started the car, and I had to get the tram. The tram came from, there were a few passengers ( it was afternoon). Next stop, the tram consists of the maw and ,in all probability, her grandson ( years 5-6).
Granny evil, it was obvious to everyone present because she made the granddaughter just "the collar", and then kicks the granddaughter sat on the seat and perched beside him on a free.
It was noticed, but did not let on. Meanwhile, grandson, smiling broadly all the while touching his huge arm, some stupid big hat, loud so asked Granny:
- Tell me, grandma, and I really like the astronaut?
What grandma does not speak, but simply shouting wildly:
- You bastard, not an astronaut!!!
Sitting near an elderly woman dramatically intervenes in the conversation and reproachfully said to the grandmother that it is impossible that a grandson is good, dreams of becoming an astronaut, and You call him "scum" that such words should be ashamed, etc. etc.
What grandma nervously jumped up from his seat and addressing the audience nearly crying very pitifully and said:
-How is he not a bastard, look at him ( pulls a huge banner with my granddaughter, and there...on the head..) because he is the last of my crystal vase again pulled over his head. Now going to the hospital to pull the vase itself can't!
Laughter in the tram... grandson shines...

Sweet ...

So, I have a nephew, who for a year. A couple of months ago, he learned the following: hungry, looking mom by the collar and said, "Tits", this means "I'm hungry!". Then he has this cute habit extended to all the mother's female friends. And once he habitually stuck his nose in the scruff of own aunt, whose bust size "double zero". First, he habitually gave: "Tit", and then added in amazement, "Where?". Together we slid under the table...

Not fed on time

It happened when moving from Alushta to Simferopol by Shuttle bus. Sat in the very bus the girl and her mother, and she begged mom ice cream, it looked like this:
- Give ice cream! Let ice cream! Let ice cream! Let ice cream!...
In the end, mom did not stand up and says "if you don't shut up then I'll never buy".
Girl and says:
"Then I'm telling dad that you have another uncle pussy sucked!"
The whole bus was in shock! The lady stops the transport and the bullet flies out, dragging the child. After another five minutes the bus stops a man with a boy. And the boy without hesitation gives the phrase:
- "Daddy buy ice cream!"
All laughing on the floor got! The driver even stopped and two minutes later (at least a little bit when he came to himself) says:
- "Hey man, buy him ice cream, and it will be worse!"
But the man still did not understand why everyone laughed, because no one in the bus to the Simferopol clearly could not say anything, when you try to say anything all burst into a new wave of laughter.

Eeee....

Today in the store I was standing in line. Behind me are dad and baby. A child screaming the whole store: "Dad want to, buy-buy-buy!!!" The answer of the Pope are killed: "You want everything you see. So close your eyes and stand still." Curtain...

Who? I?

My friend's son is the embodiment Vovochka jokes. As

only learned to speak, immediately began to issue such a pearl...

One day he needed to take blood from a finger. My mom took him to the hospital the first time to donate blood, how will this happen it is naturally not explained to him. They went into the treatment room, the boy was seated, the nurse took his finger and slashed... as is usually done. BUT HE IS SUCH A TURN I DID NOT EXPECT! But he did not cry. Raising her eyebrows in surprise, looking at the finger, then at the nurse, he told her:

Fuck, what have you done?

The entire staff of the office fell under the tables and could no longer take the tests..

So....

My sister once was a little girl (6-8 years) and loved bananas. Then
bananas were in short supply (1989-1991), but was sometimes available.
One day my mother decided to force the banana love:
(M) - Or how many bananas you need for full happiness? (in
hoping to hear "ten, fifteen, fifty, one hundred".)
(A) (with a straight face, without pause, without reflection) - Two drawers and two
banana.
(M) (in light of the misunderstanding) - And two more banana why?
(A) (as quickly like a long thought out) - AND UNTIL the BOXES OPEN!

– Ivan, why do you have such a big head? – Because I'm a kid!

My daughter is 4 years old. Recently asking her to sit on the toilet, I tell her she's supposedly grown up, most ought to sit down. She pondered for a moment, asks, "have Grown up". Yes!, was my response.

And then the daughter spoke: "And why little Tits?!" Dumb....

– Boy, how old are you? Soon eight and three.

Recently came to visit me daughter in law with 3 year old daughter. They went to me on the way from the kindergarten through the store where the child (Dasha) asked her to buy candy. All the time while we drank tea and talked with the daughter-in-law Dasha enthusiastically absorbed the long-awaited candy and their number in the package is decreased on the eyes. At some point, the mother says the child is known to all from childhood terrado,like,grind like a tractor... and then diathesis...., much sweet is bad for you. Then takes the child package with the remaining sweets,closes it in his bag and goes to the balcony to smoke.
Dasani,you see, there was, finally, free time and she decided to explore master a treat for tea, he notices on the table a little bowl (about,happiness!) other chocolates.
Just a few minutes, the mother returns from the balcony and seeing that next to the child's new mountain of wrappers says:
- Dash, you're eating candy?!
What my niece with her usual childlike,pouring the turquoise of his eyes, says:
- Well, I'm not thine eat and Svetina!
Rolled over us, a wave of laughter and emotion hit adults confused and did not let anybody to cut the child more

You have a story this fun?

Down with my daughter 3 years by a staircase, consisting of 4 spans
steps. Daughter comes and says: "one, two, three, five... one, two, three,
... five," I corrected: "we Need: one, two, three, four..." Daughter stubbornly
reiterates its... Corrected again... Daughter finds an interesting solution:
the first step is silence, then said: one, two, three... one,
two, three... Left the controversial question :-)

I hope you will not notice...

Son comes home from school (grades 1-2) sad and pensive. Mom asks:
-What happened?
-We take tests.
-So what?
Analyses on eggs a worm.
-So what???
-Take a glass rod in the back.
-SO WHAT???
-Well, the eggs I have in the FRONT!

Well, you saw, huh?

The story happened to me in childhood - grade 3 approximately. As the shock experienced I am not weak, I remember all right.
The first of January father is sleeping tired :) my mom got somewhere. Sister (older) playing with the gift and eats tangerines. Am I near the Christmas tree. As a future engineer was already interested in electricity - batteries, bulbs, motors in toys. From experience I knew that a flat battery on the tongue sour-sypitsya (4.5 Volt) and that it illuminates a small light bulb. About "the Crown" did not know - would be smarter (9 Volts).
I look at garland - rent an asterisk - see the same little light (but it's 220 volts and 20 series-connected bulbs 13.5 Volt). Because of Ohm's law and Kirchhoff did not know, then decided to try the taste of garland. Turn on the light and shoved the amplitude of the language. Now nothing happened, but then the language was small and here IT was. I was SO stunned, didn't (why survived I don't know if the current passed only through language or a thick carpet helped).
My experience - I see nothing, only the flashes in his eyes and a bitter mouth (looks slightly shell-shocked).
Then, Mat did not swear, but see the father's word memorized and their meaning understood. So ladies I'm sorry.
Experience sisters fell to the floor, eyes to the ceiling. First silence, then muttering - "Them.I imagine the battery".

Though a pot name, only in the oven don't push!

Change. Screeching, the noise, the yelling. Click the key and..
Got out of class two.. tired but with a sense of accomplishment.
Fifth graders jump around a classmate glasses and his neighbor on the Desk:
- Tili-tili dough, the groom and the bride!
Bespectacled with a straight face:
No. We are not the bride and groom.
- And who are you?
The answer, all piled on the floor:
- We are sexual partners!..

Why do no hubcaps, huh?

Preamble.
Son of 2.5 years. Only just started going to kindergarten. Like all children the first visit was accompanied by a wild cry and snot.
Ambulatory.
It's been two weeks. Dialogue the evening before bedtime.
- Go to kindergarten?
Son sad:
- Yeah, I'm...
I'm trying to steer it out of the sad mood:
- And what are you going to do?
Boy, thoughtfully lists:
- Cry, the guys play...

Better?

Someone wrote that children are sponges. They with amazing speed, absorbing everything that surrounds them. And yet children are the mirrors. Who? Yes, we parents of course. 

Taking my daughter to kindergarten. In that time, she was approximately 3 years. Drive wife. Her Opel Corsa (this is important). Have Corsi on the steering wheel to signal is not one large area in the center of the bar, as in most cars, and two small like buttons on the edges of the helm, under the thumbs of the driver. 

In General we're going. Here honey, looking at me with his honest and sincere eyes, which are only for small children, asks the question: 

- Dad, why is the signal on the steering wheel 2 buttons? 

And while I'm sleepy trying to come up with an explanation of the idea itself: 

- Ahh, I understand: if it (pointing finger, first left, then right) THERE is a goat fucking, and THERE's the goat fucking.

I'm so tired...

Daughter 5 years old, asks to shave her shoulder-length hair and paint them in a terribly pink, that would be like the heroine of her favorite movie.
To shave I shaved, very tired of braids to weave her every morning, but refuse to paint.. trying to convince her that she still early:
- Look, your sister's 11, she's a teenager now, but still not dye his hair, because it's still early!.. mind you, still a child!
- Mom, she's a LITTLE teenager, and I'm a BIG baby!!!

Knock, knock, Neo

Eight-year-old boy proposes to his seven-year girlfriend to marry him.

- I'm afraid we have nothing. In my family all marry the next of kin: mother married to father, the grandmother with the grandfather, aunt and uncle.

Not fun

Son 3.5 years... sitting in the diner, eating. At the table opposite sat down cheerfully smiling lady, a common dandelion, which many, but by removing the cap, this exposed a completely bald head. I glanced and pretended that nothing was happening. My son stopped chewing and frowned, then bulge your index finger to the side of the old woman and sonorous children's voice said:

"Dad, look the monkey!"

... to COP out and apologize not had - it was abroad. Therefore, my son, calmed down, figured out what was happening, quietly continued to chew, the old lady cheerfully smile, well, I... Yes, that's not it...

Young artist

Long time...

In the office sit four: each at his Desk with papers, pencils, etc. Summer, overboard 30-35, the Windows open but the wind is almost there. Departmental detsadik closed and one employee brought their child 5 years into the study. Child greatest deals mechanismsmyth, but soon enjoys painting in some magazine of their masterpieces. There is silence and the opportunity to work.

Now imagine: the girl looks up and outputs loud and clear, addressing the officer in front of me:

- Did you fart?!?

- No...

- Who???

Dumb

We are pilots

One of the resort towns, Returning from the beach, in Front stomp a mother with a little boy about five years old. Milf talking on the phone with their dad, who apparently, somewhere along the permanent location remains to earn money. Have a cell phone in the hands of the mother - pricey (this is important!). Hex, it gives your phone a kid:

Son talk to dad.

The boy starts choking with delight, to rattle her father, as he likes, aka he swam in the sea, etc. his Mother interrupts, they say, enough money to say:

- Tell dad that we are fine and hang up.

The boy:

- Dad, we are fine! While!

And... snap cell on the sidewalk!

- ... your mother, son! all that we were able to squeeze out the mom.